First depression sunk me deeper, then my computer died, and I actually did Morning Pages for a week. Then I bought a new computer, then apathy kicked in. Then there were people in my house. The people went away, and then I completely sugar crashed down to the bottom.Then I left my dog alone too long and she chewed up chunks of a bone and had to go to the vet. Then I felt sorry for myself some more, and failed to discuss my issues with any family member who asked how I’m doing.
Phone therapy really isn’t helping much. This week’s assignment is to make a list of “things that motivate me.” So far I have fear, disapproval, and people shouting at me. I can probably add “waiting until the last minute” to that. I’m really stuck in negativity here, with a bonus dose of self-doubt and a 95% chance of self-loathing for not (multiple variations of thinking my way out, or bootstrapping myself to functionality by willpower). I’m not religious, so “God has a plan for you,” does me little good, likewise pathetically generic encouraging advice like “you’ll figure it out.” that last just leads back to feeling ineffective and incompetent at managing my (supposedly gifted) mind, and from there to full-blown Identity-Imposter syndrome. However well-meant it is, stuff like that only highlights my communication and self-discipline issues.
But! I went to a group about food (run by a dietitian) to maybe get some answers to my food issues. Which are mainly sensory/emotional. Either food all smells gross, or the texture reminds me of something gross (sauces are especially bad for this) or I truly can’t stomach the concept of putting things in my mouth, chewing them. I get just plain tired of eating, despite the standard hypoglycemic advice of eating 6 smaller meals spaced out throughout a day. I almost never have actual feelings of hunger (seriously maybe 3 times in a year), my eating schedule (such as it is) is entirely clock-based.
Sometimes I can get a meal into me if my mind is distracted by something like a movie (so I don’t have enough cycles left over to contemplate things like texture), and protein shakes can save a whole afternoon (though if not well mixed they have texture issues too). Often the distraction technique leads to the waste of hours, as the apathy of the couch potato sets in. more interactive distractions like the internet usually make a meal last 5 hours -if I even finish it
I actually do not have either weight or body image issues, and my weight has been in the same 10 pound range for over a year. I don’t think I have emotions (or trauma memories or whatnot) attached to food. My default low energy food (that’s “when I have low energy,” not the food) is salty carbs, (e.g. bagel/lemon-pepper cream cheese, noodles with stuff on or flavored Triscuits) probably because their preparation is relatively simple compared to fresh sources of protein. I know that I should eat protein and veg, but their prep just has so many steps that i can’t imagine doing them all when I need calories NOW. I wish decent jerky wasn’t so expensive. Eating real food seems to take so much time, and I’m unproductive enough as it is without stopping every 3-4 hours to make and eat food.
Though I have to get up at least that often to take the dog out. Unless I leave her out back, which I know is mind numbingly dull for her. The other day I found that she’d chewed the grill cover to pieces (to be fair it was on the ground and therefore fair game), she was so bored. More outdoor toys are in order. I hope eventually the collection will reach a threshold where I can just rotate them instead of always buying more.
I know soft toys are going to be an ongoing expense. Sometimes I can get more time out of them by capturing the squeaker before it dies and re-stuffing the skin. This only works until the skin becomes too holey, however.
I gave the dog a bath a couple of days ago, but I think she has fleas, as she’s still scratching a lot. I keep getting tiny bug bite/crawly/itchy feelings from about the knees down, and other places when I’m closer to the floor.
My skin in general has been driving me crazy whether it’s dirty or clean or wet or dry. That all over sensitivity of “Oh god, I HAVE A SKIN DON’T TOUCH ME” Not that there are a lot of people around clamoring to do that. Maybe it has to do with the clip-on bug-repellent product I’ve been using. Or Fleas. Or my brain is so bored it’s playing with my senses to get some stimulation. I was hoping that the bug-repellent-fan thingy would work well enough I wouldn’t need to make my body smell and feel like it has stuff sprayed on. I don’t break out or anything, I just dislike the smell/feel/both of bug spray and sunscreen. I use spray for both so that I can avoid having it on my hands and skip the taste sensation too.
But! My weighted blanket (12lb) has been working well for grounding me to sleep. Yay for a product that works! I think one of my sensory issues is a kind of proprioceptive insecurity. A number of my habits of dress and preferred touch are deep-pressure based. I wear bra-tanks all the time whenever I can get away with it. I like corsets, and prefer “number 1” hugs over “Letter A’s” I frequently have to ask people massaging me to press harder, with reassurances that I am not actually physically fragile, and would rather come out of a massage with bruises (and I do) than without being unkinked. I wear hats a lot. By contrast, I cannot stand to have my joints bound up, as in poorly designed (for my shape) shoulders or 3/4 sleeves in shirts or flared pants with tight knees. Perhaps I should look more into the tools for that which I’ve seen on sensory integration and autism sites.
And! I got an adjustable kneely chair which is much better than right-angled things for me and sitting. Still massively annoyed by the design of automobile bucket seats. I am sure the hunched position the seat forces me into is in no way good for my spine.
I keep having ideas for posts, and either not writing them down, or simply not making time to write them.
I keep getting reminders from all the freelance sites that I’m not writing for.
I keep saying I’m going to:
**get a local therapist/job coach etc
**actually for reals write.
**actually for reals try to network into contacts, qualifications, recommendations for a real editing/writing career
**try to have a social life, maybe even with people who are fewer than 15 years older than me.
**try to keep a diurnal sleep schedule. (I don’t want to go to sleep, because then I have to face getting up again in the morning.)
**really, really this time stop making excuses and being lazy and take responsibility and develop my life. I believe I mentioned this about a month ago in great and grandiose detail. maybe that was hypomanic and I’m really bipolar.
So yeah, I’m back to feeling sorry for poor sensitive, tired, weak old me.
But! I do have a regular doctor appointment in a week, where I’m gonna get my thyroid checked (again) and all my vitamins and iron and whatnot. my pdoc said that there has been some science for women who test out “normal” for thyroid still get benefit from taking the thyroid meds. I think this is my next angle of attack in an attempt to raise my energy level from “too tired to eat.”
And! I’ve gotten back to tracking things on Optimism, with more customization to make it more personally relevant.
And! I may have fixed the backyard issue with the dog by adding 8″ of height to the gate that she has been jumping.
*Big Hugs* and thank you to anyone who actually read this far; I welcome input and/or commiseration, if you have any.