Fridays are the Worst Days

for me right now. Fridays are evaluation days, where I think about how well I did this week, whether I accomplished anything meaningful, whether my definition of meaningful is pathetic in relation to the real world where actual functional people live.

Not very.

I went to the Dr and got a physical, sent away fluids for testing. Got a referral to a neurologist. Had an appointment with my old therapist. I walked the dog most days. I slept at night and was awake during the day. I think I even showered once or twice.

Yes.

it kinda goes downhill from there.

Today a lot of things are broken, -important things that could affect some long term stuff for me.  Parts of WordPress, which is why this post and the preceding one have no tags and thus probably won’t be read by anyone. I’ve been told directly that some things I was planning to do that I thought would help are pointless.  Other things I tried to do to have some senso of progress somewhere were stymied by software incompatibility or other, unknown factors.

I haven’t been in any relationship long enough in the past 8 months to call anyone for help. I could call a crisis line, but I always feel like i’m wasting resources because the first answer to the first question is always no. (are you feeling suicidal or homicidal – or variations on that theme)

I even know i’m savior seeking (in that secular, codependent way) trying to get someone to hold my hand (and spoon-feed me lessons in how to live a real life) like I’m 4 years old instead of 34. i’m avoiding challenge, responsibility, and all that stuff.  This post is a pathetic, dramatic, adolescent cry for help from a  feeling-sorry-for-myself chronic learned-mental-helplessness self-victim. So is the preceding post.

i suck. everything sucks. i don’t care enough to actually make the effort to change. Apparently my brain has decided that i’m here to be a warning to others, locked in self-generated misery and self-pity for the rest of my life, because I’m too smart to kill myself but not smart enough to fix myself. maybe i mean stubborn. maybe i mean scared. who cares. not me.

I should eat something

I should be more social

I should try to make friends

I should get a therapist i can see more often.

I should get a job coach.

I should meditate, do yoga, do aerobic exercise more often.

I should actually write word one for those sites i signed up for in (April? May?)

i should stop feeling sorry for my overpriviliged, middle-class, food-secure, first-world brain problems. that’s what my therapy has been boiling down to.

T: “You have to set goals, believe in long-term rewards, put off instant gratification in favor of planning for your future. you have to decide to believe in yourself.”

Me: “But I don’t have any, any visualization i can make is wrong anyway, I don’t beleive in them, nothing long term is rewarding enough. I don’t.

T: “Well, you just  have to”

Me: “I don’t. What now?”

T: “Maybe you’re bipolar instead of depressed, have you ever been manic?”

Me: “You mean had lots of energy and felt good and accomplished things? No.”

T: Hmmmm…..

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Updatey Ramble of Doom (did you miss me?)

First depression sunk me deeper, then my computer died, and I actually did Morning Pages for a week. Then I bought a new computer, then apathy kicked in. Then there were people in my house. The people went away, and then I completely sugar crashed down to the bottom.Then I left my dog alone too long and she chewed up chunks of a bone and had to go to the vet. Then I felt sorry for myself some more, and failed to discuss my issues with any family member who asked how I’m doing.

Phone therapy really isn’t helping much. This week’s assignment is to make a list of “things that motivate me.” So far I have fear, disapproval, and people shouting at me. I can probably add “waiting until the last minute” to that. I’m really stuck in negativity here, with a bonus dose of self-doubt and a 95% chance of self-loathing for not (multiple variations of thinking my way out, or bootstrapping myself to functionality by willpower). I’m not religious, so “God has a plan for you,” does me little good, likewise pathetically generic encouraging advice like “you’ll figure it out.” that last just leads back to feeling ineffective and incompetent at managing my (supposedly gifted) mind, and from there to full-blown Identity-Imposter syndrome. However well-meant it is, stuff like that only highlights my communication and self-discipline issues.

But! I went to a group about food (run by a dietitian) to maybe get some answers to my food issues. Which are mainly sensory/emotional. Either food all smells gross, or the texture reminds me of something gross (sauces are especially bad for this) or I truly can’t stomach the concept of putting things in my mouth, chewing them. I get just plain tired of eating, despite the standard hypoglycemic advice of eating 6 smaller meals spaced out throughout a day. I almost never have actual feelings of hunger (seriously maybe 3 times in a year), my eating schedule (such as it is) is entirely clock-based.

Sometimes I can get a meal into me if my mind is distracted by something like a movie (so I don’t have enough cycles left over to contemplate things like texture), and protein shakes can save a whole afternoon (though if not well mixed they have texture issues too). Often the distraction technique leads to the waste of hours, as the apathy of the couch potato sets in. more interactive distractions like the internet usually make a meal last 5 hours -if I even finish it

I actually do not have either weight or body image issues, and my weight has been in the same 10 pound range for over a year. I don’t think I have emotions (or trauma memories or whatnot) attached to food. My default low energy food (that’s “when I have low energy,” not the food) is salty carbs, (e.g. bagel/lemon-pepper cream cheese, noodles with stuff on or flavored Triscuits) probably because their preparation is relatively simple compared to fresh sources of protein. I know that I should eat protein and veg, but their prep just has so many steps that i can’t imagine doing them all when I need calories NOW.  I wish decent jerky wasn’t so expensive. Eating real food seems to take so much time, and I’m unproductive enough as it is without stopping every 3-4 hours to make and eat food.

Though I have to get up at least that often to take the dog out. Unless I leave her out back, which I know is mind numbingly dull for her. The other day I found that she’d chewed the grill cover to pieces (to be fair it was on the ground and therefore fair game), she was so bored. More outdoor toys are in order. I hope eventually the collection will reach a threshold where I can just rotate them instead of always buying more.

I know soft toys are going to be an ongoing expense. Sometimes I can get more time out of them by capturing the squeaker before it dies and re-stuffing the skin. This only works until the skin becomes too holey, however.

I gave the dog a bath a couple of days ago, but I think she has fleas, as she’s still scratching a lot. I keep getting tiny bug bite/crawly/itchy feelings from about the knees down, and other places when I’m closer to the floor.

My skin in general has been driving me crazy whether it’s dirty or clean or wet or dry. That all over sensitivity of “Oh god, I HAVE A SKIN DON’T TOUCH ME” Not that there are a lot of people around clamoring to do that. Maybe it has to do with the clip-on bug-repellent product I’ve been using. Or Fleas. Or my brain is so bored it’s playing with my senses to get some stimulation. I was hoping that the bug-repellent-fan thingy would work well enough I wouldn’t need to make my body smell and feel like it has stuff sprayed on. I don’t break out or anything, I just dislike the smell/feel/both of bug spray and sunscreen. I use spray for both so that I can avoid having it on my hands and skip the taste sensation too.

But! My weighted blanket (12lb) has been working well for grounding me to sleep. Yay for a product that works! I think one of my sensory issues is a kind of proprioceptive insecurity. A number of my habits of dress and preferred touch are deep-pressure based. I wear bra-tanks all the time whenever I can get away with it. I like corsets, and prefer “number 1” hugs over “Letter A’s” I frequently have to ask people massaging me to press harder, with reassurances that I am not actually physically fragile, and would rather come out of a massage with bruises (and I do) than without being unkinked. I wear hats a lot. By contrast, I cannot stand to have my joints bound up, as in poorly designed (for my shape) shoulders or 3/4 sleeves in shirts or flared pants with tight knees. Perhaps I should look more into the tools for that which I’ve seen on sensory integration and autism sites.

And! I got an adjustable kneely chair which is much better than right-angled things for me and sitting. Still massively annoyed by the design of automobile bucket seats. I am sure the hunched position the seat forces me into is in no way good for my spine.

I keep having ideas for posts, and either not writing them down, or simply not making time to write them.

I keep getting reminders from all the freelance sites that I’m not writing for.

I keep saying I’m going to:

**get a local therapist/job coach etc

**actually for reals write.

**actually for reals try to network into contacts, qualifications, recommendations for a real editing/writing career

**try to have a social life, maybe even with people who are fewer than 15 years older than me.

**try to keep a diurnal sleep schedule. (I don’t want to go to sleep, because then I have to face getting up again in the morning.)

**really, really this time stop making excuses and being lazy and take responsibility and develop my life. I believe I mentioned this about a month ago in great and grandiose detail. maybe that was hypomanic and I’m really bipolar.

So yeah, I’m back to feeling sorry for poor sensitive, tired, weak old me.

But! I do have a regular doctor appointment in a week, where I’m gonna get my thyroid checked (again) and all my vitamins and iron and whatnot. my pdoc said that there has been some science for women who test out “normal” for thyroid still get benefit from taking the thyroid meds. I think this is my next angle of attack in an attempt to raise my energy level from “too tired to eat.”

And! I’ve gotten back to tracking things on Optimism, with more customization to make it more personally relevant.

And! I may have fixed the backyard issue with the dog by adding 8″ of height to the gate that she has been jumping.

 

*Big Hugs* and thank you to anyone who actually read this far; I welcome input and/or commiseration, if you have any.

?????

Still in that abstract funk. I need to start eating better and exercising more. I’m getting back to that dull tired all the time that pretty much means both of those things. I keep getting up by promising myself I can take a nap later if I want. maybe I should actually take the nap today, since my brain doesn’t seem to be up to anything deep or useful like the job search.

Ugh, I feel like such a feeling-sorry-for-myself blob. so what’s that made of? nausea (physical) anxiety (mental), unfocusedness (avoidance?) guilt (definitely avoidance) enervation (all 3?) anger (self-directed). and a great deal of what seems like pointless self-analysis.

I was doing all right helping out with physical projects the last couple days.

Screw this, I’m going to go take that nap.

Today: not worth chewing through the straps?

Stayed up way too late last night on the internet.  Woke up to find the dog had shat in the rug in 3 places.

Don’t have anything scheduled, don’t really want to do anything responsible (when do I, honestly)  feel pretty grey and numb, and sleep depped. Maybe I’ll eat cookies and do nothing at all useful. Maybe I’ll think about the future, that’s always good for a funk.

Career planning fear of choice ack.

Wow it’s harder to just write raw than I thought it would be, I do a lot of second guessing my thoughts before they’re even complete in my head, no wonder I don’t get anywhere a lot of the time.

But outside, it’s stopped raining…

Feeling sorry for myself and letting myself off the hook for responsibilities and life has to stop.  But that involves effort and every time I get a setback (like house-training accidents) suddenly it can all seem pointless again.  I’m out of the habit of (recognizing) success.

So many self-help books/workbooks, therapy.  I’m a 30-year-old little girl, whining about the unfairness of it all. Life’s uncomfortable. Ridiculous self-pity,  but where do I go from recognizing that?  I keep starting, keep journaling, keep eating and walking the dog and trying to go out and interact with other humans, and I just don’t get engaged.  Set up a plan,  basic eat exercise sleep, and I start chewing on my brain immediately and fail.

It’s probably actually unfortunate that I’m not struggling for survival right now, because that would be a good distraction from self-pity.  Having to solve that problem would probably boost my self-efficacy, if not self-esteem.  Go and do things anyway, the advice goes.  But but but, I can’t see the thought that keeps me from ‘just trying things.’  Am I really just lazy and don’t care? Am I content not to grow up until forced to do so? (sure looks like it) 3 months I’ve had for practically free, and have I done any thing constructive besides maybe therapy? No.

Is therapy even constructive? They say to go easy on myself, but what if that’s the problem, I’m too lucky to have the support system I’ve got, and without prodding (and the accompanying panic) I lapse into a pool of inert goo? Depression means I don’t have the energy to care, but what if it’s really just mental laziness?

So what if it is? Then I’m a lazy person.  Which crashes my basic structure of productivity/accomplishment/progress  is good, doing things makes me a good person. Yes yes, sometimes it’s okay to take a break, but I’ve been doing that, and not just sometimes, all the time. accomplishing little tasks that seem productive (I made cookies, yay!) but don’t actually get anywhere.

Where do I want to get?

  • Independent living where I don’t have to share walls/space with anyone? Need a job and some savings, and emergency fund in case job goes poof again. Requires commitment, perseverance.
  • Doing something meaningful in the world? What is meaningful? Helping people? Saving the rainforest?  I don’t give myself credit for the things I do, my therapist says, so this one’s probably a dead end ATM.
  • Getting off the grid as much as possible? I already don’t watch TV as much as I can, the news is too depressing and I don’t need that. Computer use really takes some tech support, and without the internet I’d probably lose contact with the humans who don’t deliver packages to me.
  • Grow all my own vegetables and spices?
  • Figuring out what I’m doing that is a waste of time, grooming my routine for efficiency? Really requires having a definite goal(s)
  • Focus and drive? As P says, I am not going to find them under the couch. I don’t really think I’m going to find them in ADD meds either.

Advice: Tiny steps every day

Go  unrecognized  and don’t give me a sense of accomplishment or being a good person (by my standard of progress, etc).  So for a feeling of accomplishment I do pointless things like cookies.  Some not-pointless things: Posting to forums at least gets some venting done, and nominal contact with people, especially if I get any responses. Dishes and laundry make my environment better. Walking the dog keeps her from going nuts and gets me some exercise.  Internet research is learning, but it’s important to recognize when I’m duplicating. Reading a novel rests my brain.

Advice: Forgive myself for not ‘doing better’ 

I should be able to do better. I’m not physically impaired, I don’t know if I’m really mentally impaired. Brain the size of a planet and so on. I know beating myself up is counterproductive, making myself feel bad just saps energy etc.  so change the brain, recognize cognitive distortions, triggers and so on, work through them, change responses a little  time.  See my issues with tiny steps, above. I want to Do Something (concrete, finite, and discrete) and Be Better (all at once).

Advice: The Real World(tm) doesn’t work that way.

Because I’m a grown-up (or at least a grown-older) now and I can see shades of grey.  Not a lot of boundaries are really completely impermeable, most of them are downright fuzzy when you really look. Seeing this unfortunately leaves a lot of room for time-wasting equivocation, and a lot of frustrating ‘yes and no’ answers. Curiosity about something fragments into dozens, then hundreds of sub-topics, and the library or the internet is pretty good for just wallowing in Finding Things Out, which is a real time-suck. maybe I could learn to write and market myself as a researcher/fact-checker. Anyhow to return to the previous point, grey-vision makes me distrust anything that seems clear-cut, because it probably isn’t.  Which makes it really hard for me to make objective decisions.

Maybe that’s a lie, my real problem right now is subjective decisions, what is good for me.  Why can’t I just ignore the fear of loss of opportunity that says I must work as efficiently as possible? I’m afraid of missing out on something (better), but delaying or not making choices eliminates choices. Either way, too much thinking paralyzes me, and that’s where I’m actually really stuck.

And here is the list; I’m a great list-maker, though I don’t think they do me a lot of good other than a minor sense of doing something that looks like goal setting. Then I typically lose the list and/or never reference it again. Anyway.

This list is a guideline for my next 3 months; if something I am doing relates to one of the 3 things below, it is OK to do.

Priority 1: Job and financial freedom.

Deadline: June

Priority 2: Not losing my mind while doing it.

Deadline: Ongoing.

Priority 3: Not losing physical health points while accomplishing 1.

Deadline: Ongoing, as 2