Non-progress report

Self-discipline problems again. I keep getting distracted by the everything else. I have a whole list of things that I should be doing to promote myself and go in the direction that will get me work, but I’m not doing them. Haven’t been doing my sleep schedule right -I keep staying up reading. Then I wake up and feel awful because of not enough sleep, and yawn through the day. I make excuses for myself and justify doing everything but what’s on that list.

I’m still shy of networking and giving out my card. It’s telling people a rate, actually putting a price on my services that particularly sticks my brain. Is it because that ‘s the most likely point of rejection? Probably. Rgh, frustrating.

I keep looking up and noticing another week has gone by, and I haven’t made any progress. I’ve got a pretty good garden planted though. and the dog is spayed. But still that’s other stuff. I really really ought to be spending more time getting work.

Stupid self-defeating behavior, I’m avoiding responsibility for my life again. Just sit down and do it! I’m getting better at not kicking my ego for this. I’m annoyed but not thinking I’m a bad person. Which is a kind of progress I guess.

Tomorrow I’m going to look for a new therapist, preferably one who is also a life/career coach. I need to set myself some accountability, since I don’t seem to be doing it for myself.

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*hides under a rock*

I haven’t been reading other people’s blogs much, and I haven’t been writing in mine.  Stupid. Made the stupid mistake of looking at e-mail from X before group therapy, so I got a dose of bad feeling from second-hand e-mail from him, and also guilt that I haven’t answered the lawyer in a week now, even thought we’re finally in endgame.

The theme today was ‘we teach people how to treat us’ which is totally relevant to the above, not that I think I’m in any shape to have a romantic relationship again ever. We did an exercise where we drew concentric circles  with our names in the middle, and then writing friends in the circles according to their closeness to us. The point of which was to demonstrate that we have a choice about how close to allow people to us, who we want to associate with, etc.  I came up with a grand total of 4 names to put anywhere on the thing, one of which was my therapist, another was this cool artist woman I met in group.

So two friends, one potential friend, one therapist. i couldn’t figure out where to put family, since I only intermittently communicate with them with any clarity about myself. Pretty much everyone else is stuck on the outside.

I sat there totally wanting to cry, I even wrote “I want to cry now” in my notes, but I didn’t do it. didn’t want to disrupt the session for everyone else.  Therapist asked afterwards if I was OK, because I seemed awfully quiet during group.  I told her “I need to go write some stuff.” (So here I am, blogging away.)

I went home and found my 3-year old niece was over to visit. I knew I wasn’t going to be able to be patient enough to interact with her, let alone be OK if she melted down for any reason.  So I grabbed the dog and went to the dog park, where she had fun at least. I talked to a few people there (about dogs) and tried to write, but my social mask was back up, and there was no way that was going to work.

Well that’s not exactly true, I wrote the same bullshit crap that I always do on days like this; do I have to let myself blood-sugar crash in order to have an excuse to be emotional? (answer: probably yes, I don’t respect myself enough to just look at and consider my emotions straight on. I’m a great one for letting lots of little sadnesses accumulate until the camel is lying broken on the floor, or at least limping badly.

Suppress, Suppress! everything is OK, if I pretend everything is OK and wish hard enough that I’ll wake up tomorrow and my life will be better then maybe it will magically fix everything without any actual hard work on my part.

I bought myself sushi at the grocery store on the way home.

Anyhow. I came home again to find dad & a neighbor at the pool table in ‘my living room’ (not really mine, its the room you have to pass through to get anywhere downstairs, including my bedroom) downstairs, so I could either walk past them to go hide in my room (bound to cause questions, plus I’d have to put on extra nice Face to meet the neighbor) Or I can pretend to be OK and sit at my computer letting it update itself, and restarting until they go away and i can go hide downstairs.

Which happened eventually.  There was pot roast already on for dinner (and I didn’t want to seem ungrateful), so I didn’t actually eat the sushi. After a couple false starts,  I watched UP, lent to me by another well-meaning neighbor.  The part I liked best was watching Carl and Ellie’s life together. I teared up at the end. The rest of the movie I didn’t enjoy all that much. (insert cynical plot  and character criticism here) This (inability to enjoy a light-hearted movie) is a warning sign that I’m starting to take everything too seriously again.

I suppose my last two posts might be a clue too.

Also the damn Rollerblades, which are still in the closet. They are becoming the thing that I talk about but don’t do. Well besides practical work towards getting a job. The constant feeling sorry for myself, using the smallest disappointment to give up on the day. self-criticism, isolation, repeatedly botching my food plan, etc etc.

OK so I’m depressed.

Tomorrow I think I’ll hire a career coach, someone to be accountable to. Otherwise I’m just going to keep procrastinating, researching and running in little damp circles in my head, whining about how I can’t be arsed to put effort into my own damn life, now that I’m free to actually take total responsibility for it.

I need to find a way to create positive feedback in the job search. (other than if I don’t actually try, I don’t have to leave the house, do anything challenging or out of my comfort zone, blah bliddy blah self criticism here) Also hopefully I can pretend to be a grownup talking to the career coach, which is better than I can do with my folks right now, despite having promised them I’d try to communicate more with them about where I am.

I want to get drunk, but I tried that already this week, and got a miserable headache, plus a day after of uneasy stomach. Not sure why I bothered(escapism, I can stop thinking so/too much if I’m drunk), I know that’s what happens when I mix booze with my meds. I’m spiraling lower again, but at least I’m still writing.

Oh also therapist said that the county doesn’t have enough funding to give me any more sessions. So I have maybe 2 more group, and then I’m on my own. Also today marks that I officially have 2 months to show some evidence of getting my act together to my folks. Or what, I don’t know, at some point they’re going to get sick of having me in the basement, and push me out of the nest, because I obviously aren’t learning how to fly living with them.

At least the dog seems to be housebroken. The folks keep buying her treats. Like spoiling the grandchild I am unlikely to produce, I guess. It’s a nice gesture of showing they care while not doing anything to make me more dependent on them. Which is good. I need to learn to stand on my own feet, blah blah.

Today I don’t think I can do it. I’m scared.

Running Fail. OW.

Yesterday I slipped and fell on the sidewalk, hit both my head and my ass pretty hard, scraped up my elbow. Cried like a baby for a while before getting it together enough to cover myself in band-aids. That sucked. I spent the whole evening sitting on a heating pad.

Maybe I should make a list of things I do to distract myself from actually doing real things. maybe my distinction of ‘real things’ from ‘pointless avoidance behaviors’ is stupid.

I’m so bloody self-centered, but that’s supposed to be OK for now while I figure out what next. The problem is, I’m paralyzed by choice and dancing Whatifs.

I eat junk food in an effort to feel something.

I hide from real interactions with people for fear of pain.

I read fiction to get away from reality.

And self-help books in search of The Answers, because I never contracted religion.

I clean, which at least prevents my immediate environment from being a disaster and probably keeps me healthier overall.

I research for self-help on the interwebs (see reading, above)

I start an anonymous blog to ‘get stuff out of my head’

I cut words and pictures out of magazines for later collaging, in hopes of also seeing my mind.

I analyze endlessly, but hardly ever put the results to work.

I watch TV, even when it makes me angry or makes me cry..

I’m pretty good at wholesale turning off my brain. I have this theory that I’m a gestalt thinker, that I just have to get enough information in there, and one day my under-mind will just serve up ‘What I should be doing which will make live happily ever after’ because I will just understand what’s going on.

But it keeps not happening, not even a little. I keep muddling, jerking from one panicked ‘fix’ to another, trying to get others to take care of me, it’s disgusting. I hate myself every time I notice, but I keep doing it.

Just Grow Up – I thought I had, and then I woke up in the psych ward with two rows of stitches in my arm.

Clearly that program had a critical failure somewhere. So now I have to start over. And having failed majorly once, I’m terrified of doing it again. This is my life (and it’s ending one minute at a time)

I can’t just wallow here, stasis is death. So build another interface, cover it in emotional armor (because grown-ups don’t cry, and emotional women don’t get promotions), figure out how to make myself invaluable. (How is trying to get job security different from co-dependency anyway?) Re-learn the language and unspoken protocols of the culture, make alliances, give the right answers, get paid, build a new nest somewhere.  Try not to scream at the empty feeling underneath what looks like success. Question whether every choice is the right one, or if I’m losing the opportunity of a lifetime by not doing something else.

What if this is as good as it gets?

The world (my head) is so bloody Noisy! I swear, when I do Figure it Out, my vacation will be a week in a soundproofed float tank. Maybe with a tape recorder so i can talk to myself and remember things.

I need to learn selective listening (to myself, screen out the critic and the babbler sometimes) and time-limited critical thinking instead of endless reduction-based analysis.  I always flunked times-table drills in grade school.

It’s so important, and failure really is death.