Yesterday I slipped and fell on the sidewalk, hit both my head and my ass pretty hard, scraped up my elbow. Cried like a baby for a while before getting it together enough to cover myself in band-aids. That sucked. I spent the whole evening sitting on a heating pad.
Maybe I should make a list of things I do to distract myself from actually doing real things. maybe my distinction of ‘real things’ from ‘pointless avoidance behaviors’ is stupid.
I’m so bloody self-centered, but that’s supposed to be OK for now while I figure out what next. The problem is, I’m paralyzed by choice and dancing Whatifs.
I eat junk food in an effort to feel something.
I hide from real interactions with people for fear of pain.
I read fiction to get away from reality.
And self-help books in search of The Answers, because I never contracted religion.
I clean, which at least prevents my immediate environment from being a disaster and probably keeps me healthier overall.
I research for self-help on the interwebs (see reading, above)
I start an anonymous blog to ‘get stuff out of my head’
I cut words and pictures out of magazines for later collaging, in hopes of also seeing my mind.
I analyze endlessly, but hardly ever put the results to work.
I watch TV, even when it makes me angry or makes me cry..
I’m pretty good at wholesale turning off my brain. I have this theory that I’m a gestalt thinker, that I just have to get enough information in there, and one day my under-mind will just serve up ‘What I should be doing which will make live happily ever after’ because I will just understand what’s going on.
But it keeps not happening, not even a little. I keep muddling, jerking from one panicked ‘fix’ to another, trying to get others to take care of me, it’s disgusting. I hate myself every time I notice, but I keep doing it.
Just Grow Up – I thought I had, and then I woke up in the psych ward with two rows of stitches in my arm.
Clearly that program had a critical failure somewhere. So now I have to start over. And having failed majorly once, I’m terrified of doing it again. This is my life (and it’s ending one minute at a time)
I can’t just wallow here, stasis is death. So build another interface, cover it in emotional armor (because grown-ups don’t cry, and emotional women don’t get promotions), figure out how to make myself invaluable. (How is trying to get job security different from co-dependency anyway?) Re-learn the language and unspoken protocols of the culture, make alliances, give the right answers, get paid, build a new nest somewhere. Try not to scream at the empty feeling underneath what looks like success. Question whether every choice is the right one, or if I’m losing the opportunity of a lifetime by not doing something else.
What if this is as good as it gets?
The world (my head) is so bloody Noisy! I swear, when I do Figure it Out, my vacation will be a week in a soundproofed float tank. Maybe with a tape recorder so i can talk to myself and remember things.
I need to learn selective listening (to myself, screen out the critic and the babbler sometimes) and time-limited critical thinking instead of endless reduction-based analysis. I always flunked times-table drills in grade school.
It’s so important, and failure really is death.