Quick posty: Practice naming emotions!

Lonely. All my own fault. I don’t go out places, and when I do I keep my head down and/or don’t have interesting answers to questions. I’m not up on current events or gossip news because I don’t track FB or the news, they both make me more depressed.  I don’t talk to people because I don’t have any answer they want to hear to ” How are you?” or “So what do you do?”  in the event i do give an honest answer to one of those I don’t have an explanation for “Why?”

Nostalgia/regret. Went searching through pictures recently and came across some from previous lives. In the few I have that I am in, I look like I was having fun. Sadness that life is gone.  Sort of okay with growing out of some parts of it. Wish I seemed to be growing into something else.

Frustrated. Place of semi-work may or may not close this month, the 8 ball won’t say. Do I start applying for other jobs, maybe get some full time? (I ought to have done anyway, I need to make more this year) Do I file for unemployment? Is it worth waiting to see if maybe they don’t close, or should I just quit now? Might  be the prompt I need to make a change.

Angry. At myself that I am still not moving on with life, still being a disappointment to my family, still ridiculously, pointlessly, dragging-my-feet-and-whiningly indecisive and procrastinaty about my future.

Tired. Only a few more hours to try to fill with something that seems to be constructive, and then its a possibly acceptable, if early, time to go to bed. Boy have I got to get me a life coach or something.

 

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Fridays are the Worst Days

for me right now. Fridays are evaluation days, where I think about how well I did this week, whether I accomplished anything meaningful, whether my definition of meaningful is pathetic in relation to the real world where actual functional people live.

Not very.

I went to the Dr and got a physical, sent away fluids for testing. Got a referral to a neurologist. Had an appointment with my old therapist. I walked the dog most days. I slept at night and was awake during the day. I think I even showered once or twice.

Yes.

it kinda goes downhill from there.

Today a lot of things are broken, -important things that could affect some long term stuff for me.  Parts of WordPress, which is why this post and the preceding one have no tags and thus probably won’t be read by anyone. I’ve been told directly that some things I was planning to do that I thought would help are pointless.  Other things I tried to do to have some senso of progress somewhere were stymied by software incompatibility or other, unknown factors.

I haven’t been in any relationship long enough in the past 8 months to call anyone for help. I could call a crisis line, but I always feel like i’m wasting resources because the first answer to the first question is always no. (are you feeling suicidal or homicidal – or variations on that theme)

I even know i’m savior seeking (in that secular, codependent way) trying to get someone to hold my hand (and spoon-feed me lessons in how to live a real life) like I’m 4 years old instead of 34. i’m avoiding challenge, responsibility, and all that stuff.  This post is a pathetic, dramatic, adolescent cry for help from a  feeling-sorry-for-myself chronic learned-mental-helplessness self-victim. So is the preceding post.

i suck. everything sucks. i don’t care enough to actually make the effort to change. Apparently my brain has decided that i’m here to be a warning to others, locked in self-generated misery and self-pity for the rest of my life, because I’m too smart to kill myself but not smart enough to fix myself. maybe i mean stubborn. maybe i mean scared. who cares. not me.

I should eat something

I should be more social

I should try to make friends

I should get a therapist i can see more often.

I should get a job coach.

I should meditate, do yoga, do aerobic exercise more often.

I should actually write word one for those sites i signed up for in (April? May?)

i should stop feeling sorry for my overpriviliged, middle-class, food-secure, first-world brain problems. that’s what my therapy has been boiling down to.

T: “You have to set goals, believe in long-term rewards, put off instant gratification in favor of planning for your future. you have to decide to believe in yourself.”

Me: “But I don’t have any, any visualization i can make is wrong anyway, I don’t beleive in them, nothing long term is rewarding enough. I don’t.

T: “Well, you just  have to”

Me: “I don’t. What now?”

T: “Maybe you’re bipolar instead of depressed, have you ever been manic?”

Me: “You mean had lots of energy and felt good and accomplished things? No.”

T: Hmmmm…..

Reporting back from the trenches

In my quest to find a new therapist I think I have two fails. I discussed both meetings with the only person who knows much about the inside of my head for the last few years, who is also not afraid to call me on crap when she hears it coming out of my mouth. She really helps me clarify sometimes, when I am trying to convince myself to settle. I am grateful to her, and don’t say that often enough.

Honestly, I was not very impressed with either of the two I spoke with last week. they both seemed very nice, but one really felt like a head-nodder (if I wanted an Eliza program, I’d download the app) the other I don’t think was even my age, and seemed not  certain at all of what to do with me. I know it’s not fair to judge based on the first meeting only, since they have had no chance to get to know me, my special features and situation, but I’m just not feeling it with either of them. I have a third person lined up for next week, I hope she turns out well, Otherwise I am seriously considering Skype therapy with therapists not in my area (one in CA one in OH, so far) fun with time zone differences and loss of body language, but much more experience in the specialty I am looking for. If I am going to pay $$$/an hour I really want to get my money’s worth.

*shakes head* it’s so annoying trying to quantify things that only come by ‘feel.’ I keep finding myself trying to do that, to clarify what would be better, I only know it’s not this. I saw a book once “I could do anything if only I knew what it was” I feel a lot like that recently. Once I commit, really decide on a goal that I really honestly want, I can get it. I probably won’t be able to tell you how from either end, but I’ll get there.  I just have to Decide.

and I really haven’t.

Bleh.

I had a bunch of articulate ideas for posting, but that’s not what I’m writing today.

So I’m not sure if I’ve just hared off on an other endless research binge looking at my new career choice. I’m still stalling on getting a ‘in the meantime’ job. I went to the library and got books, and have spent several days looking up related things on the internet. Is it all justified time expenditure? I don’t know.

When am I ‘better’ enough to no longer justify slacking around? What is the point where I’m just being a self-indulgent lazy ass, as opposed to taking care of myself?

I’m still doing better than I was doing at not being gratuitously nasty to myself for not gettingeverythingdoneallatonce, but I still have this ‘is it enough’ anxiety? How do I know?

Not by judging by the expectations of anyone else, I know this is Something I have to Figure Out for Myself.  That only makes it something I am likely to angst about for a while (the rest of my life).

Argh. It’s like writer’s block, but for my life.

The MBTI/career book I’m reading advises me to ruminate less and take action more. I suck at timetables and accountability. Still having what they call “motivational paralysis,” I guess. Am I making excuses?

The career I’m researching for myself a good idea, I just have to make the first step, the 5 minutes of really getting started.

Haven’t done it yet.

Bleh.

This is dumb, I still think that making the decision is magic, and then things just fall into place afterward.  Childish, really. I’m past the point where formulas are the answer.

Running Fail. OW.

Yesterday I slipped and fell on the sidewalk, hit both my head and my ass pretty hard, scraped up my elbow. Cried like a baby for a while before getting it together enough to cover myself in band-aids. That sucked. I spent the whole evening sitting on a heating pad.

Maybe I should make a list of things I do to distract myself from actually doing real things. maybe my distinction of ‘real things’ from ‘pointless avoidance behaviors’ is stupid.

I’m so bloody self-centered, but that’s supposed to be OK for now while I figure out what next. The problem is, I’m paralyzed by choice and dancing Whatifs.

I eat junk food in an effort to feel something.

I hide from real interactions with people for fear of pain.

I read fiction to get away from reality.

And self-help books in search of The Answers, because I never contracted religion.

I clean, which at least prevents my immediate environment from being a disaster and probably keeps me healthier overall.

I research for self-help on the interwebs (see reading, above)

I start an anonymous blog to ‘get stuff out of my head’

I cut words and pictures out of magazines for later collaging, in hopes of also seeing my mind.

I analyze endlessly, but hardly ever put the results to work.

I watch TV, even when it makes me angry or makes me cry..

I’m pretty good at wholesale turning off my brain. I have this theory that I’m a gestalt thinker, that I just have to get enough information in there, and one day my under-mind will just serve up ‘What I should be doing which will make live happily ever after’ because I will just understand what’s going on.

But it keeps not happening, not even a little. I keep muddling, jerking from one panicked ‘fix’ to another, trying to get others to take care of me, it’s disgusting. I hate myself every time I notice, but I keep doing it.

Just Grow Up – I thought I had, and then I woke up in the psych ward with two rows of stitches in my arm.

Clearly that program had a critical failure somewhere. So now I have to start over. And having failed majorly once, I’m terrified of doing it again. This is my life (and it’s ending one minute at a time)

I can’t just wallow here, stasis is death. So build another interface, cover it in emotional armor (because grown-ups don’t cry, and emotional women don’t get promotions), figure out how to make myself invaluable. (How is trying to get job security different from co-dependency anyway?) Re-learn the language and unspoken protocols of the culture, make alliances, give the right answers, get paid, build a new nest somewhere.  Try not to scream at the empty feeling underneath what looks like success. Question whether every choice is the right one, or if I’m losing the opportunity of a lifetime by not doing something else.

What if this is as good as it gets?

The world (my head) is so bloody Noisy! I swear, when I do Figure it Out, my vacation will be a week in a soundproofed float tank. Maybe with a tape recorder so i can talk to myself and remember things.

I need to learn selective listening (to myself, screen out the critic and the babbler sometimes) and time-limited critical thinking instead of endless reduction-based analysis.  I always flunked times-table drills in grade school.

It’s so important, and failure really is death.