Weekly report: Lack of work still a problem, otherwise doing OK.

I’ve been doing okay with exercise: I think 5 of 7 days this week. Walks every day (yay!).

Meditation every day -not as skilled as I’d like to be, but it’s early yet.

Does journaling every day about meditation count? Some days I didn’t write anything besides my meditation observations. Some days my other writing was about external stuff instead of internal. I’ll go with yes, because it gives me another accomplishment point, and that’s more positive.

Not sure how I did on reading/listening to teachers, perhaps also 5 of 7.

Jobs applied for: 5.

Other goals:

Did a few typing exercises while on hold for other things. plan for that is to work through all the exercises on the site, then start over from the beginning.  Backstory is the one job interview I’ve had lately that I think I might have had a chance at if my typing skills were better. They wanted at least 50 wpm; I am, sadly, still about 23 wpm (and I look at my hands). But this is something I can work on, so I am. I am already looking at my hands much less, and I am mostly able to find the letter I am looking for, even if my speed still sucks.

Other work skills I don’t have yet, but appear in jobs I am applying to anyway; Quickbooks, schedule management, and A/R A/P. Not at all sure how to go about the second or the third, the first I can probably get a community college class in. Need to look that up and sign up for it. Also ought to dig up my old Monster account and refresh my resume there.

Did a day of housework/helping family yesterday, so that slot is filled for a while.

Trees project: no progress this week, but today I can work on that.

Taxes, state and Federal: Filed. Being below the poverty line makes this less impressive than it might otherwise be.

CC and other bills: paid, Though I had to move money into checking again to actually pay off CC’s. Money was a big anxiety factor this week, caused several crying events. Nothing I can really do about it other than cut expenses, which I am doing my best at. Another emotional factor to practice ignoring.

DBT group: Said goodbye this week, it was squishier than I thought it would be. Everyone had something nice to say about me, mostly something like my perspective/insights have helped them a lot with something. That’s $200 a month I won’t be spending anymore. I feel like I ought to have something more to say about this but I don’t at the moment. Maybe later in journal?

Emotional homework this week: look in the mirror, make eye contact, and sincerely say “I like myself.” Twice a day. yesterday I only did it once, and said it with a question mark rather than a period. I’ll have to work on the sincerity bit also. This is supposed to help with my self esteem, and is based in the theory that in the past I did the best I could, given the mental/emotional/social tools at hand. I’m still a little skeptical about this theory, but it seems like a decent one to adopt if I want to get on with my life more than sit around beating myself up for decisions that have come and gone, or time that has already been “wasted.”

 

All in all, I think I did a good job this week with effecting the things I can. I’m writing that to sound positive, even though I don’t really feel it. I still have a lot of that nagging “you could have done better, you should have tried harder, you should be making more progress” feeling. But I’m told (and I suspect it’s true) that that feeling doesn’t ever go away, so I have decided to practice ignoring it. New emotional goal, I guess -become comfortable with incremental progress at a realistic pace.  

How did your week go? Have you made progress on your goals? If you don’t have goals, perhaps your goal for the upcoming week can be to make some up. I’m working on:

Physical: Better flexibility, balance and core strength. Less flappy arms. Lose 10-15 pounds to get back into a better weight for my height. Eat fewer sweets, less junk food -> practice healthier self-stimulation.

Financial: Get a job, preferably full time, paying at least $10 an hour. Gain skills that will help me get a job. Keep up with paying bills on time. Cut unnecessary expenses.

Mental/Emotional: Increase self esteem. Gain skills for emotional resilience and distress tolerance. Practice meditation. Listen to dharma talks. Read about meditation and related skills, self help books. Journal about emotions and internal processes every day.

A nasty surprise.

Didn’t do quite as well as last week on exercise; dog walks yes, other exercise not so much. I could blame the nasty weather, except that all my other exercise can be done indoors. I just didn’t make time to do it. I did go for an extra-long walk yesterday when the weather was nice for a change.

Did apply to 4 jobs, keeping up my record/goal. Still no responses. Discouraging. I did agree to help with a research project a friend of the family is doing, so that will at least give me something that feels like work to do when I get especially down about the job hunt.

Social I  get extra points for this week: two online conversations with the same person (maybe making friends?), another group social (a repeat meetup) this afternoon. It’s a movie watch & social, so I don’t expect it to be too difficult to pass as a human being.

 

Overall I’m feeling pretty down. My place of work closed this week, so I am officially unemployed. Have already applied for unemployment, we’ll see what comes of that. I got a nasty surprise when I went to pick up one of my prescriptions Wednesday; apparently because I take the name brand rather than the generic, there’s some $@&@%#$^ penalty pricing which means it costs me $$$$.$$. Naturally I am nowhere near being able to afford that, so I turned to the internet to look for discount cards and cost support programs.  I found one, applied for it, we’ll see what comes of that too. if it works as advertised, i should have my drug of choice in 5-10 business days. Unfortunately, due to the timing of refills, that means 1 or 2 weeks without my meds. I am sooo, not looking forward to the next two weeks. I’ve got an idea! Why don’t I look for work while suffering antidepressant withdrawal! That’s a funny one -NOT!

A lesson learned: just because the drug is in the list for an insurance doesn’t mean that is falls under the regular pricing scheme. Just because you got the insurance with the expanded pharmacopeia, it doesn’t mean that your drug of choice falls under the regular pricing scheme. Just because there is SCIENCE to prove that the generic of your drug of choice does not act the same as the name brand, doesn’t mean that the insurance will pay for you to take name brand.

Also, I am either not persuasive enough or not nasty enough to negotiate with my insurance company. Maybe this is what mental health advocates are for? I have a card for one around here someplace, maybe I’ll give him a call.

 

 

One teaspoon of proud, need to borrow a cup of patience

I have been actually doing some work on goals in the job, social and exercise categories! I’m trying to start light enough that I actually keep up with them, as opposed to giving up within a month.

Exercise: I looked up some light weight exercises up on Youtube (Fitnessblender for those who want to know these things), dug out the Pilates on the Ball book I acquired sometime last year, re-inflated my ball. I’ve done either light weights for arms/shoulders/upper back or posture/core exercises every day except Wednesday this past week. Also I didn’t skip a single dog walk. This is improved over skipping 1-2 walks a week and no weights or core at all.

Get a Better Job (better in this case means pays more and doesn’t chew my soul to bits): Last week I revised my resume and cover letter, applied to 4 jobs. This week I have applied to eight jobs. This is an improvement over no applications before Half-Price Chocolates Day. Continuing goal is (at least) 4 applications a week.

Make Friends: I went out to one totally new Meetup in my area last week. I even talked to people, had something like normal interactions with them. I also hung out with some old friends this week. This is an improvement over seeing old friends perhaps once a month and going to new events not at all.

I feel a tiny bit proud of myself for each of these. Which is really the huge accomplishment in my world. Letting myself feel good about accomplishments instead of discounting them is something I continually struggle with. I *do* keep falling into the bucket of “I’m not getting anything useful accomplished with my time, I’ll never get my life organized” bucket of thought-muck, BUT! so far I keep crawling back out! Am trying to remember that in the Real World (as opposed to the theater or books) life things don’t just get better all at once, but 1% or even 0.5% at a time, and straining myself *won’t* make it happen faster. Beating up on myself for not being able to defy the laws of physics, economics or relationships is also not constructive. Patience, grasshopper.

Anyone have a cup I can borrow?