Training my Dragon (and other head contents)

Well I finally got frustrated enough with my typing and being so slow to get my ideas out and bought myself a software Dragon. Having to speak in an even tone of voice (as it does not do well with emotional inflection) is frustrating, especially when it gets things wrong because I start using exasperated voice. I’m going to have to borrow my sister’s phone voice, or dig mine up from wherever I filed it after I got fired laid off from my last administrative position.

I don’t actually know what I was going to say after that -my thought-stream got interrupted by lunch. I guess I’ll just keep talking and practicing just to get a little further training this thing. I do hope it starts getting faster as we go along, particularly the lag between starting to talk and the words actually appearing on the page.
It’s a good thing my niece went home this morning, because she certainly is a patience sink, and the training is taking an awful lot of it.
In the meantime my skin is kind of driving me crazy with itchiness it makes me wonder if I’m allergic to some kind of pollen (can you have a contact allergy to pollen?) Or maybe mold. The Web serves up all sorts of interesting things from actual skin bugs to psychosomatic things -or things that *might* not be all in the mind. But I’m really trying to cut down on time lost to Internet hypochondria, and other procrastination hobbies.
Of course, one could argue that getting Dragon and taking the time to train it is just another one of those, but if it works the way I want it to, it won’t be. I really hope I won’t be disappointed by the level I can train it to write for me.
What I am hoping is that once we figure each other out I can skip typing altogether because output (input?) is one of the ways that really slows me down getting my thoughts out. The other, of course, is trying to edit as I go along, for which habit this program is really terrible -because I still have to look at the screen, and then I notice each little thing that it gets wrong. But maybe that problem will solve itself as we go along.
Of course, it’s entirely possible that once I manage to get there it will turn out that none of my ideas are any good anyway. The reasonable part of my brain knows this is unlikely, as that is clearly one of those black and white thoughts my therapist has been telling me to avoid.
Right now, I’m having  some trouble with guilt (I really should be doing this, what I’m doing right now isn’t as valuable as that, what if this all turns out to be a waste of effort…) But so far I’m successfully suppressing having it actually make me change what I’m doing. Go me!
Plusses  to Dragon so far:
*It knows words like psychosomatic (although maybe it got that from reading all my Word documents) I was worried that it wouldn’t do well with complex vocabulary.
*The navigating commands I’ve learned so far don’t feel too artificial. (minor prob: Using “edit that” as a command does make it awkward to edit “that.”)Minuses so far:
*Speed in training is pretty slow, and dictating punctuation feels awkward. Not that I have any idea of what they would use in place of that.
*I am having some trouble with the microphone. I know it’s not background noise, and I’m using the headset that came with the program. Possibly I simply don’t talk loud enough, that wouldn’t really surprise me. I really hope it’s not an internal sound processing issue in the computer.
I seem to be running across a lot of things in my life lately which could stand some (more) optimization. Perhaps that’s a sign that I’m getting a little more positive with the warming weather and more sunshine – though actually *doing* things to optimize is of course better than just noticing things which are “not quite right.”
I have been actually reading some of my self-help books again, and my DBT class has finally gotten around to emotion regulation – a unit that sometimes I feel like I’m working backwards because I have to *get to* the emotion first. And of course thinking about emotional reactions makes me feel them all over again, which makes doing the homework of processing them difficult (Tell me again why distress tolerance isn’t first?).
I already know intellectualization is my primary Freudian defense mechanism – I learned analysis as the problem-solving method from my parents. Untangling the net of shame – sadness – guilt – anger – fear – shame (and so forth, not necessarily in that order) which seems to be my average emotional reaction to things (when I have one rather than reflexively suppressing it all) is proving troublesome. Especially as such a well-worn neuronal path of having emotions about having emotions is of course easier to go down than picking one “clean” emotion out of the mess of my thoughts (not to mention pausing in -having thoughts-) for use in homework exercises.
Not for the first time do I wish that there were more therapists trained to work with gifted adults, and not just children. I’m totally a fan of helping children grow up with all the skills necessary to adapt well to the world, and of course it’s easier to start fresh with young brains, but I want help for me. Here I am, already ***ked up, pouring my savings into psych-ists, but I haven’t been able to find someone who actually has experience with my whole possible menu of special features.  Without getting into weird “energetic” newage stuff. Power of mind to change the mind yes, and to a certain extent power of positive thinking (and placebo effect), but I draw the line at poking parts of my body to release my “blocked chakras” or whatever. I have enough anxiety about whether I’m wasting my time in therapy to begin with.
This, of course is part of the paradox of trying to think my way out of a thinking problem.Which lives next door to the problem of “not being so hard on myself” while still staying motivated. Especially as the actual answer to a lot of my complaining and issues is “do stuff anyway”

Solution to being too tired? Exercise.
Solution to lonely/social awkwardness? Go out and see people -practice!
Solution to “but that’s hard/scary/what if I ***k it up?” Try to do it anyway.

How exactly does one remain motivated (without an internal reward system) to do *anything* without using external scales of what is enough/good/worthwhile and judging oneself by them? The mechanism in my head goes: “If you don’t at least do this (have a career/support yourself/have a social life/get along with family) you’re a worthless human being.” That’s how I get myself to accomplish (short term) goals. Long term goals I just don’t have a mechanism for -there’s just too much “worthless human being” piled on my brain for any sustained effort.

Of course my preference for actually seeing therapists in person probably limit the scope of this search.

I’m going to get an actual official test for Asperger’s (I know, I know, that’s not a real diagnosis anymore) and ADHD next week, though every time I think about that I wonder what good it will do to have an “official” diagnosis if I already know what my symptoms are. On a bad day I’m sure I can talk my way into bipolar or a personality disorder, and other good day, at least in public, I probably don’t seem that different from someone normal.
Anyhow I’m off to the rest of my computer to gather my other results from everything (whether a real test or an Internet quiz), as well as my other backup documentation.
And walk the dog.

I hate everything, which is broken.

An example: I have an alarm on my phone which goes off every 30 minutes to keep me moving in my day and prevent time lost to the internet, books, avoidant cleaning,etc. in the settings for this alarm is an option for what my volume and power buttons do when the alarm goes off. I chose “turns alarm off” the alarm goes off. I hit the power button. the phone stops vibrating, but does not stop being alarmed. Am I crazy, or did the option I chose just not work the way it said it would?

I lost 90% of a WP post from last night, which apparently neither published nor actually saved any but the first draft, despite the WP autosave assuring me that it was doing do about every 3 minutes.

I am so pissed.

I am so pathetic for being pissed about this. I feel like all the negative negativity which I purged in writing last nights (lost) post just crawled out of the computer and is gnawing on my brainstem.

I am getting perilously close to achieving a sneaky hate spiral, perhaps somewhere between cat butt and “you must wait more”