Fridays are the Worst Days

for me right now. Fridays are evaluation days, where I think about how well I did this week, whether I accomplished anything meaningful, whether my definition of meaningful is pathetic in relation to the real world where actual functional people live.

Not very.

I went to the Dr and got a physical, sent away fluids for testing. Got a referral to a neurologist. Had an appointment with my old therapist. I walked the dog most days. I slept at night and was awake during the day. I think I even showered once or twice.

Yes.

it kinda goes downhill from there.

Today a lot of things are broken, -important things that could affect some long term stuff for me.  Parts of WordPress, which is why this post and the preceding one have no tags and thus probably won’t be read by anyone. I’ve been told directly that some things I was planning to do that I thought would help are pointless.  Other things I tried to do to have some senso of progress somewhere were stymied by software incompatibility or other, unknown factors.

I haven’t been in any relationship long enough in the past 8 months to call anyone for help. I could call a crisis line, but I always feel like i’m wasting resources because the first answer to the first question is always no. (are you feeling suicidal or homicidal – or variations on that theme)

I even know i’m savior seeking (in that secular, codependent way) trying to get someone to hold my hand (and spoon-feed me lessons in how to live a real life) like I’m 4 years old instead of 34. i’m avoiding challenge, responsibility, and all that stuff.  This post is a pathetic, dramatic, adolescent cry for help from a  feeling-sorry-for-myself chronic learned-mental-helplessness self-victim. So is the preceding post.

i suck. everything sucks. i don’t care enough to actually make the effort to change. Apparently my brain has decided that i’m here to be a warning to others, locked in self-generated misery and self-pity for the rest of my life, because I’m too smart to kill myself but not smart enough to fix myself. maybe i mean stubborn. maybe i mean scared. who cares. not me.

I should eat something

I should be more social

I should try to make friends

I should get a therapist i can see more often.

I should get a job coach.

I should meditate, do yoga, do aerobic exercise more often.

I should actually write word one for those sites i signed up for in (April? May?)

i should stop feeling sorry for my overpriviliged, middle-class, food-secure, first-world brain problems. that’s what my therapy has been boiling down to.

T: “You have to set goals, believe in long-term rewards, put off instant gratification in favor of planning for your future. you have to decide to believe in yourself.”

Me: “But I don’t have any, any visualization i can make is wrong anyway, I don’t beleive in them, nothing long term is rewarding enough. I don’t.

T: “Well, you just  have to”

Me: “I don’t. What now?”

T: “Maybe you’re bipolar instead of depressed, have you ever been manic?”

Me: “You mean had lots of energy and felt good and accomplished things? No.”

T: Hmmmm…..

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3 thoughts on “Fridays are the Worst Days

  1. penneyfox says:

    It sucks when it feels like everything sucks – been there and drank many adult beverages to get me out of that place. Probably not the best idea to act like that but it got me out of the house and for some strange reason, that seemed to help me move past it.

    Of course, now I just realized I suggested you go out and get your drunk on – probably not something your therapist would want you to use as advice.

  2. tinyfrogs says:

    Hi penneyfox, thanks for visisting and commenting on my blog!

    You’re right, that is probably not advice my therapist would approve of or encourage -no that that hasn’t been a path that’s worked for me for a brain reboot a time or two (but who’s counting?) in the past 😉

    I never quite got the going out for drinks thing (expensive, and you have to figure out how to get home after), but I used to have a whole group of friends who would gladly come over and play games, watch movies (or whatever) and get drunk with me.
    Unfortunately I’ve moved away from those friends, and haven’t made new ones. And I know where solitary drinking leads, so that is right out -aside from the occasional beer or (ONE) glass of wine with dinner.

    I’ve just got to take a little time off, do laundry, clean house, dust myself off, and get back on the horse come Monday.

    I did do some good symbolic house-cleaning and yard work this weekend, as well as setting some goals for this week. So far this Monday, I’ve accomplished one of 5 of today’s goals. Possibly I was overly ambitious I think I’ll be happy with 3 successes for today.

  3. autisticaplanet says:

    YOU do NOT suck. God values you highly. Learning this put everything else in my autistic life into perspective, and it will work for anyone’s life. You do have to make the effort to change, but you don’t have to do it all in one big leap. Gradual goals have been a wonderful way for me to achieve what I can. So has having a lot of patience though I am very impatient by nature and certainly not anywhere near perfect. Celebrate your successes-even if you don’t meet all your goals for the day. Find a good self-help series (that is Christian based-that’s my opinion-I like Joyce Meyer).I appreciate you following my blog and I am glad to be of any help. Seeing a therapist you can relate to is very important. Initially, it is OK to feel bad about something, but long-term self-pity is unhealthy, because it creates apathy (though you don’t have to be aware of it consciously). I am speaking to you from years of experience, though I am 33. I am in a much better place though I struggle with things as all people do. Share your experiences so others can learn from them.

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