?????

Still in that abstract funk. I need to start eating better and exercising more. I’m getting back to that dull tired all the time that pretty much means both of those things. I keep getting up by promising myself I can take a nap later if I want. maybe I should actually take the nap today, since my brain doesn’t seem to be up to anything deep or useful like the job search.

Ugh, I feel like such a feeling-sorry-for-myself blob. so what’s that made of? nausea (physical) anxiety (mental), unfocusedness (avoidance?) guilt (definitely avoidance) enervation (all 3?) anger (self-directed). and a great deal of what seems like pointless self-analysis.

I was doing all right helping out with physical projects the last couple days.

Screw this, I’m going to go take that nap.

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3 thoughts on “?????

  1. daylily2011 says:

    Hi. I like tiny frogs and I like your blog. I hear where you are coming from and I can relate. It’s as if there’s another person recognizing your in a funk, not motivated and not doing all you should be doing with your life. I don’t mean multiple personality or anything, I’d describe it more as the voice that tells us we’re not good enough.

    I’ve got a job, husband, semi-clean house and good kids but I still kick myself for wanting to get drunk (to hide my feelings) and for the regular naps I like to take. Imagine what I could be doing if I didn’t need those naps in the afternoon? Much more than I am now. I’m not even going to mention the food issue!

    –Daylily

    • tinyfrogs says:

      Hi Lily, thanks for commenting!
      My biggest daily fight is with this “Commentator.” I’m stuck on the first exercise in a self-esteem workbook which tells me that the only thing one can base a stable self-esteem on is just the fact of being, which apparently gives one inherent worth. This is as opposed to being ‘good’ because of the things we do or the people we make happy.

      I’m a big believer in worth by accomplishments, you see. I tend to agonize over deciding what is enough effort to put into something (any given goal, my day, relationships, etc) before I’m allowed to either give up or take a break. When does taking care of myself (which every therapist of mine ever says I must learn to do) cross over into slacking on my responsibilities? how many days a week or month am I allowed to declare brain holiday and just go easy on myself? I’m very good at taking care of myself by going easy, but the responsible adult behaviors not so much…

      My biggest step this year has been starting this blog to try and work through those feelings. I still want to get drunk/take extra Klonopin (and other avoidance behaviors) to not have to face up to my feelings/situation also. It’s slow going, as I am not very practiced in expressing my emotions, even in a safe forum like this blog. But I’m here, and the interaction with like minds has helped me express more, and also not feeling alone by having these thoughts/feelings/experiences.

      One other thing that helped lately is something I got from Eckhart Tolle. (Interview by Oprah, I saw this at a local inspirational Meetup group)

      video: http://www.oprah.com/oprahradio/Eckhart-Tolle-on-Oprahs-Soul-Series-Video

      Where basically he is saying that it is important to distinguish the fundamental ‘you’ from your thoughts. That is, your thoughts are a function of you, not what you are Therefore castigating yourself for thoughts is not useful.

      • daylily2011 says:

        I know what you mean and I’m on the same boat as you in terms of learning to make friends with ourselves and show true compassion for others. I own a book by Eckhardt Tolle, The Power of Now A guide to Spiritual Enlightment and I also highly recommend a book by Pema Chodron (An American Buddhist nun) called Start Where You Are. It deals with the exact things you mention.
        –Daylily

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