Running Fail. OW.

Yesterday I slipped and fell on the sidewalk, hit both my head and my ass pretty hard, scraped up my elbow. Cried like a baby for a while before getting it together enough to cover myself in band-aids. That sucked. I spent the whole evening sitting on a heating pad.

Maybe I should make a list of things I do to distract myself from actually doing real things. maybe my distinction of ‘real things’ from ‘pointless avoidance behaviors’ is stupid.

I’m so bloody self-centered, but that’s supposed to be OK for now while I figure out what next. The problem is, I’m paralyzed by choice and dancing Whatifs.

I eat junk food in an effort to feel something.

I hide from real interactions with people for fear of pain.

I read fiction to get away from reality.

And self-help books in search of The Answers, because I never contracted religion.

I clean, which at least prevents my immediate environment from being a disaster and probably keeps me healthier overall.

I research for self-help on the interwebs (see reading, above)

I start an anonymous blog to ‘get stuff out of my head’

I cut words and pictures out of magazines for later collaging, in hopes of also seeing my mind.

I analyze endlessly, but hardly ever put the results to work.

I watch TV, even when it makes me angry or makes me cry..

I’m pretty good at wholesale turning off my brain. I have this theory that I’m a gestalt thinker, that I just have to get enough information in there, and one day my under-mind will just serve up ‘What I should be doing which will make live happily ever after’ because I will just understand what’s going on.

But it keeps not happening, not even a little. I keep muddling, jerking from one panicked ‘fix’ to another, trying to get others to take care of me, it’s disgusting. I hate myself every time I notice, but I keep doing it.

Just Grow Up – I thought I had, and then I woke up in the psych ward with two rows of stitches in my arm.

Clearly that program had a critical failure somewhere. So now I have to start over. And having failed majorly once, I’m terrified of doing it again. This is my life (and it’s ending one minute at a time)

I can’t just wallow here, stasis is death. So build another interface, cover it in emotional armor (because grown-ups don’t cry, and emotional women don’t get promotions), figure out how to make myself invaluable. (How is trying to get job security different from co-dependency anyway?) Re-learn the language and unspoken protocols of the culture, make alliances, give the right answers, get paid, build a new nest somewhere.  Try not to scream at the empty feeling underneath what looks like success. Question whether every choice is the right one, or if I’m losing the opportunity of a lifetime by not doing something else.

What if this is as good as it gets?

The world (my head) is so bloody Noisy! I swear, when I do Figure it Out, my vacation will be a week in a soundproofed float tank. Maybe with a tape recorder so i can talk to myself and remember things.

I need to learn selective listening (to myself, screen out the critic and the babbler sometimes) and time-limited critical thinking instead of endless reduction-based analysis.  I always flunked times-table drills in grade school.

It’s so important, and failure really is death.


10 thoughts on “Running Fail. OW.

  1. lookingforapurpose says:

    I think alot of these things myself. Your not alone in all of this, i can relate.

    If you want to talk to someone i am always up for a convo. E-mail me if you like, i do not mind.

  2. You are certainly not alone in this. Not in the least. We all have our own way, and I don’t necessarily think those are bad avenues to travel while searching for “the answers”. I do love this piece though. I feel like I’d like to model a post after it, if you don’t mind. A lot of it concerns coping mechanisms.

    And in truth, I don’t believe that this is as good as it gets. If you’re not satisfied – wait, stop. Not satisfied, because that just means content. No one should settle for mediocre. If you’re not happy, then all healthy roads should be considered to get there. Even if happy, for the moment, means sitting on the sofa, zoning out to television. Sometimes, it’s when you add up the little things that seriously make a huge tally.

    I do hope you’re feeling better today. Falling while running is awful. Falling at all is awful. I did it a couple of Fridays ago in front of my entire student body. At a roller rink. But do you know what? I didn’t care. It made the kids who couldn’t skate feel better, and the ones who were good at it feel proud.

    I felt it was important to expose my human side. Try new things. Make mistakes. Fall down. And get back up. It’s hurts like hell, but in a few days, it won’t hurt so badly. Except I have these bruises so badly that I would rather drop over than expose them!

  3. tinyfrogs says:

    Lulu, thank you for commenting. You are welcome to structure a post of your own after mine, I really am just doing a brain dump on here. Any structure you may see is purely coincidental. 😉
    The process I’m going through is really figuring out what happiness might look like to me. And you’re right, no one should settle for mediocre. My dilemma of the moment is deciding when I’ve done enough research and need to start taking action. Fear of getting it wrong and ending up with mediocre anyway, and not having the time or resources to try (building a life) again
    I am feeling better in the past couple of days (except for the lingering bruises), thank you. I think I see your point about not letting embarrassment at being fallible stop me from trying things. That is similar to advice I keep getting from others. It’s a lesson I desperately need to integrate, because fear of failure is a major part of what paralyzes me from making choices. I still think I’m supposed to be perfect at everything, even the first time. Which sounds so dumb to me when I say it here, but for some reason I still believe it.

    • There is no such thing as failing when you are keeping on trying. Seriously. Yes, there are some choices that can be made that change your life. But how do we know which one?! I chose to get engaged to a douchebag in my past. Thank god I didn’t marry him. I chose to marry my husband. It could have been one of the most diasterous choices I’ve ever made. It turned out to be the best thing I could have ever done.

      Anyway, I guess what I’m saying is that you have to play big to win big. There’s always a risk. Take calculated ones. And most of all, follow your heart and gut. It is rarely wrong if you’re listening just right.

  4. stuartart says:

    Hey Tinyfrogs, Bob Proctor says that we should always be happy BUT never satisfied. Dissatisfaction is the driver for improvements. If you’re not satisfied that’s good. If you’re not happy then probably you are too focused on the outcomes. I would suggest pick a goal, a small one. Then do what you need to do to reach that goal. Then set another, and another. At some point your brain (full as it is) will start to self order and you’ll start to realise a bigger purpose in your life. Take it easy my friend. 🙂

  5. tinyfrogs says:

    Hi Stuart, thanks for commenting. I do make my goals too big, and then get angry for not making faster/better progress. Smaller steps, smaller steps. Still working on enjoying the journey. 🙂

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