Today is a better day, but I don’t trust it yet

All it took was staying up until 5 in the morning, and when I woke up I knew what I was going to do to make my life better.

Not really, but I do feel like I might have hit a tipping point where some things are falling into alignment.  Some of my tiny incremental processes are showing signs of actual visible progress. Will have to see if any of it actually pans out or tomorrow I wake up feeling like ass again.

I hate being suspicious of my own mood.

I’m getting better at giving myself credit for doing positive things, doing less second guessing of my decision-making ability. I think I am making more accurate self-evaluations in general ūüėČ I’ve been identifying and interrupting non-constructive behavior patterns. (more on this later, maybe)

I’ve only eaten 1.5 meals today, and I really need to get more exercise. But things are, for the moment, looking up.

I hope this doesn’t turn out to have been hypomania

Now I really should go to bed early so I can go back to pretending to be diurnal.

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3 personas, no reality?

3 personas, no reality
I am not a fashion anything and do not endorse any of these products or high fashion in general. That’s wrong. Viewed as an art form, I think high fashion is pretty cool, the mythologies that get created, the beauty and weirdness that happens. Glamour is a powerful magic. Not a fan of what high fashion does to body image or the elevation of appearance over content in other realms, though. Though I do sometimes like to look nice or get dressed up, day-to-day it is too much trouble to maintain a finished ‘look.’¬† I don’t know if any of the personas represented here are real, thus the question mark. This was an interesting exercise, collaging without scissors and tape.

Running Fail. OW.

Yesterday I slipped and fell on the sidewalk, hit both my head and my ass pretty hard, scraped up my elbow. Cried like a baby for a while before getting it together enough to cover myself in band-aids. That sucked. I spent the whole evening sitting on a heating pad.

Maybe I should make a list of things I do to distract myself from actually doing real things. maybe my distinction of ‘real things’ from ‘pointless avoidance behaviors’ is stupid.

I’m so bloody self-centered, but that’s supposed to be OK for now while I figure out what next. The problem is, I’m paralyzed by choice and dancing Whatifs.

I eat junk food in an effort to feel something.

I hide from real interactions with people for fear of pain.

I read fiction to get away from reality.

And self-help books in search of The Answers, because I never contracted religion.

I clean, which at least prevents my immediate environment from being a disaster and probably keeps me healthier overall.

I research for self-help on the interwebs (see reading, above)

I start an anonymous blog to ‘get stuff out of my head’

I cut words and pictures out of magazines for later collaging, in hopes of also seeing my mind.

I analyze endlessly, but hardly ever put the results to work.

I watch TV, even when it makes me angry or makes me cry..

I’m pretty good at wholesale turning off my brain. I have this theory that I’m a gestalt thinker, that I just have to get enough information in there, and one day my under-mind will just serve up ‘What I should be doing which will make live happily ever after’ because I will just understand what’s going on.

But it keeps not happening, not even a little. I keep muddling, jerking from one panicked ‘fix’ to another, trying to get others to take care of me, it’s disgusting. I hate myself every time I notice, but I keep doing it.

Just Grow Up – I thought I had, and then I woke up in the psych ward with two rows of stitches in my arm.

Clearly that program had a critical failure somewhere. So now I have to start over. And having failed majorly once, I’m terrified of doing it again. This is my life (and it’s ending one minute at a time)

I can’t just wallow here, stasis is death. So build another interface, cover it in emotional armor (because grown-ups don’t cry, and emotional women don’t get promotions), figure out how to make myself invaluable. (How is trying to get job security different from co-dependency anyway?) Re-learn the language and unspoken protocols of the culture, make alliances, give the right answers, get paid, build a new nest somewhere.¬† Try not to scream at the empty feeling underneath what looks like success. Question whether every choice is the right one, or if I’m losing the opportunity of a lifetime by not doing something else.

What if this is as good as it gets?

The world (my head) is so bloody Noisy! I swear, when I do Figure it Out, my vacation will be a week in a soundproofed float tank. Maybe with a tape recorder so i can talk to myself and remember things.

I need to learn selective listening (to myself, screen out the critic and the babbler sometimes) and time-limited critical thinking instead of endless reduction-based analysis.  I always flunked times-table drills in grade school.

It’s so important, and failure really is death.

Today: not worth chewing through the straps?

Stayed up way too late last night on the internet.  Woke up to find the dog had shat in the rug in 3 places.

Don’t have anything scheduled, don’t really want to do anything responsible (when do I, honestly)¬† feel pretty grey and numb, and sleep depped. Maybe I’ll eat cookies and do nothing at all useful. Maybe I’ll think about the future, that’s always good for a funk.

Career planning fear of choice ack.

Wow it’s harder to just write raw than I thought it would be, I do a lot of second guessing my thoughts before they’re even complete in my head, no wonder I don’t get anywhere a lot of the time.

But outside, it’s stopped raining…

Feeling sorry for myself and letting myself off the hook for responsibilities and life has to stop.¬† But that involves effort and every time I get a setback (like house-training accidents) suddenly it can all seem pointless again.¬† I’m out of the habit of (recognizing) success.

So many self-help books/workbooks, therapy.¬† I’m a 30-year-old little girl, whining about the unfairness of it all. Life’s uncomfortable. Ridiculous self-pity,¬† but where do I go from recognizing that?¬† I keep starting, keep journaling, keep eating and walking the dog and trying to go out and interact with other humans, and I just don’t get engaged.¬† Set up a plan,¬† basic eat exercise sleep, and I start chewing on my brain immediately and fail.

It’s probably actually unfortunate that I’m not struggling for survival right now, because that would be a good distraction from self-pity.¬† Having to solve that problem would probably boost my self-efficacy, if not self-esteem.¬† Go and do things anyway, the advice goes.¬† But but but, I can’t see the thought that keeps me from ‘just trying things.’¬† Am I really just lazy and don’t care? Am I content not to grow up until forced to do so? (sure looks like it) 3 months I’ve had for practically free, and have I done any thing constructive besides maybe therapy? No.

Is therapy even constructive? They say to go easy on myself, but what if that’s the problem, I’m too lucky to have the support system I’ve got, and without prodding (and the accompanying panic) I lapse into a pool of inert goo? Depression means I don’t have the energy to care, but what if it’s really just mental laziness?

So what if it is? Then I’m a lazy person.¬† Which crashes my basic structure of productivity/accomplishment/progress¬† is good, doing things makes me a good person. Yes yes, sometimes it’s okay to take a break, but I’ve been doing that, and not just sometimes, all the time. accomplishing little tasks that seem productive (I made cookies, yay!) but don’t actually get anywhere.

Where do I want to get?

  • Independent living where I don’t have to share walls/space with anyone? Need a job and some savings, and emergency fund in case job goes poof again. Requires commitment, perseverance.
  • Doing something meaningful in the world? What is meaningful? Helping people? Saving the rainforest?¬† I don’t give myself credit for the things I do, my therapist says, so this one’s probably a dead end ATM.
  • Getting off the grid as much as possible? I already don’t watch TV as much as I can, the news is too depressing and I don’t need that. Computer use really takes some tech support, and without the internet I’d probably lose contact with the humans who don’t deliver packages to me.
  • Grow all my own vegetables and spices?
  • Figuring out what I’m doing that is a waste of time, grooming my routine for efficiency? Really requires having a definite goal(s)
  • Focus and drive? As P says, I am not going to find them under the couch. I don’t really think I’m going to find them in ADD meds either.

Advice: Tiny steps every day

Go¬† unrecognized¬† and don’t give me a sense of accomplishment or being a good person (by my standard of progress, etc).¬† So for a feeling of accomplishment I do pointless things like cookies.¬† Some not-pointless things: Posting to forums at least gets some venting done, and nominal contact with people, especially if I get any responses. Dishes and laundry make my environment better. Walking the dog keeps her from going nuts and gets me some exercise.¬† Internet research is learning, but it’s important to recognize when I’m duplicating. Reading a novel rests my brain.

Advice: Forgive myself for not ‘doing better’¬†

I should be able to do better. I’m not physically impaired, I don’t know if I’m really mentally impaired. Brain the size of a planet and so on. I know beating myself up is counterproductive, making myself feel bad just saps energy etc.¬† so change the brain, recognize cognitive distortions, triggers and so on, work through them, change responses a little¬† time.¬† See my issues with tiny steps, above. I want to Do Something (concrete, finite, and discrete) and Be Better (all at once).

Advice: The Real World(tm) doesn’t work that way.

Because I’m a grown-up (or at least a grown-older) now and I can see shades of grey.¬† Not a lot of boundaries are really completely impermeable, most of them are downright fuzzy when you really look. Seeing this unfortunately leaves a lot of room for time-wasting equivocation, and a lot of frustrating ‘yes and no’ answers. Curiosity about something fragments into dozens, then hundreds of sub-topics, and the library or the internet is pretty good for just wallowing in Finding Things Out, which is a real time-suck. maybe I could learn to write and market myself as a researcher/fact-checker. Anyhow to return to the previous point, grey-vision makes me distrust anything that seems clear-cut, because it probably isn’t.¬† Which makes it really hard for me to make objective decisions.

Maybe that’s a lie, my real problem right now is subjective decisions, what is good for me.¬† Why can’t I just ignore the fear of loss of opportunity that says I must work as efficiently as possible? I’m afraid of missing out on something (better), but delaying or not making choices eliminates choices. Either way, too much thinking paralyzes me, and that’s where I’m actually really stuck.

And here is the list; I’m a great list-maker, though I don’t think they do me a lot of good other than a minor sense of doing something that looks like goal setting. Then I typically lose the list and/or never reference it again. Anyway.

This list is a guideline for my next 3 months; if something I am doing relates to one of the 3 things below, it is OK to do.

Priority 1: Job and financial freedom.

Deadline: June

Priority 2: Not losing my mind while doing it.

Deadline: Ongoing.

Priority 3: Not losing physical health points while accomplishing 1.

Deadline: Ongoing, as 2

Online identity and purpose

So I’m starting another identity in the internet, to see if I really can keep them separate.¬† (Advice on the subject is welcome)

I want to use this space to post raw thought, really raw, like only one edit for readability (and changing names to protect the guilty) allowed. The idea is to put my real feelings and ideas out there,  really open myself up and see what comes out.

 

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